What fresh hell is this
Clearly I haven’t endeavored at this blog consistently, or for some time.
I lost access for an extended period, and by the time it was finally recovered? I opted to devote my attention elsewhere first.
Other writing endeavors felt better prioritized while the capacity remained in my reach.
But I find myself rapidly losing my sense of balance, stability, & even hope.
My symptoms are facing an uptick.
My horizons appear more obscured.
And my outlook is shifting into darker shades…
I figured: maybe this is the best time to return here.
So…
I began using ketamine (clinically, under medical/psychiatric guidance) to treat my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, & Anxiety in late 2022.
I didn’t find it to be a magic-bullet or panacea, but it did offer a degree of improvement & hope in the face of much despair. My therapist at the time, who I had a lengthy & established history with, opined my GAF assessment shifted from 35 to 50 in the aftermath of several/continuing sessions over more than a year.
I’ve been continuing those ketamine sessions to the present day – admittedly at a pattern more frequent than many other patients, but… Between the treatment-resistant, quite severe nature of my mental illnesses and the growing understanding of ketamine as a novel treatment? It felt like having a life-raft buoyed after nearly succumbing to the metaphorical waves of despair & depression.
It wasn’t the miracle I wanted it to be, but it was a window (or door) into a better headspace.
It also felt mentally cleansing. Which, as a Obsessive-Compulsive with profoundly ingrained contamination fears? Feels hard to consider anything less than incrementally freeing – if a sensation of limited duration.
Regrettably, now I’m being forced to sharply reduce my usage – not to zero. But substantially enough that the representation of symptoms feels inescapable.
Truthfully? They’ve already begun.
Not to their totality of vileness, but enough that my fears feel partially validated.
Maybe it would help to layout my timeline of experience, response, & result following a ketamine session.
Start [0h] – Three Hours [3h]
There’s a 60-90 minute ‘peak high’ period of dissociation, hallucinations, spirituality/connectivity, or similar.
While the length of time I experienced a ‘peak high’ period began on the high end of that range? It has diminished over time. That said, the overall results/improvements of treatment have felt largely consistent in manifesting for 1-2 weeks after treatment (even now).
After that initial ‘peak high’ period? There’s another couple hours (or more) during which a more mild-high lingers, slowly dissipating.
I wouldn’t remotely compare the experience of alcohol to ketamine, but attempting to draw on that lexicon? You might think of it in terms of transitioning from an intense drunken stupor into a mild tipsiness in terms of recovered capacity & clarity.
Three Hours [3h] – Two Days [48h]
The peak period of ‘bounce-back’ from anxiety & depression tends to be in the immediate aftermath of the ketamine session (roughly hours 3-48). This tracks with some studies which reflect improved neuroplasticity potential during this time-frame.
During those hours following a session? Intrusive thoughts tend to take a bit less of a hold. Almost like the volume on intrusive thoughts has been (marginally, yet mercifully) reduced. An incremental, slightly-measured improvement. But one that (in the drowning deafness of inescapable neurosis) carries enormous weight all the same. It makes it just a little more viable to resist being swayed by them.
Anxiety/depressive/compulsive spikes still present active challenges, as ever. But there’s a greater sense of scope, distance, & objectivity in the immediate aftermath of a session that feels like a mote being removed from one’s mental-eye. And given how much neurosis acts as a distorting metaphorical lens? That feels like a moment offering rare clarity.
Not to a miraculous degree, but to a degree that imparts a sense of rare opportunity for someone profoundly trapped by their mental illnesses.
Two Days [48h] – Ten Days [240h]
This is the point where I feel like a portion of the ‘bounce-back’ from the worst of my intrusive thoughts diminishes. Not all at once – like the volume’s been cranked back to 11… But rather a slow glide back up that scale, like a trained hand movingly smoothly and almost imperceptibly. Differences you notice as the sound increases, not as the volume shifts.
Still.
There’s a degree of lessened symptom presentation, particularly of to my Depressive symptoms, during this time.
That said? OCD remains my central diagnosis, and even within my Depressive symptoms… The majority do remain.
But, to shift the metaphor from sound to weight? When you feel crushed by the weight you’re carrying, any reduction is a Godsend that could move you tears.
Eight to ten days after a session, though, there’s a sense of the weight truly beginning to find its way back into place. Of the lenses of perception feeling more obscured. Of the obfuscating cacophony of neurosis & depression churning its way back into full swing.
Which brings me to the present day & moment.
It’s been a bit over two weeks since my last session, and I’m feeling like the inky shadows of my mind’s hollow-hell have their hearth & home restored.
I’m navigating it, somewhat poorly – but slightly better than I’d hoped.
The same way, I suppose, many feel when forced to ride a bike after an extended period of time.
But there’s a profound sense of disheartening loss at…
Not falling back into this pit for a brief moment, but rather for an extended stay.
Meaning…
This isn’t a reactive blowback to a compulsive episode or a jarring/upsetting life-event.
Instead?
It’s just…
Where I’m landing.
