• Depression,  OCD,  Suicidal Thoughts,  Writing

    Harder To Write, Or Do Anything

    I’m not breaking down sobbing, or stuck in bed 24/7… But I’m still in this same, lingering mindset of hopelessness and misery. I made the effort of spending time with my best friend yesterday (Thursday) and today (Friday) – but… I don’t know. It’s like embracing a different kind of distraction. It’s enjoyable in the moment, but in the grander scheme has changed nothing. I’d been making steady progress on a few writing projects recently… Less so blogging actively here than I should be, but still. Two short stories, each approaching 10,000 words at the moment – one right at that number, the other with more of a gap to…

  • Depression,  OCD,  Suicidal Thoughts

    Planning vs Ideation

    Apologies, first of all, for falling quiet over the last week or so. Not that anyone is particularly following this, but I’m trying to keep up with actively posting. There are just times I disconnect and collapse into myself… And that kind of happened. While those periods of isolated, musing melancholy can be burdensome – they can also (at times) stimulate thought. And I’ve been thinking about suicide…for better or worse. To start with, let’s cover some basic definitions. Suicidal ideation refers to thoughts of/about suicide. While this could include intent or plans of action, ‘ideation’ is used to indicate the presence of recurrent thoughts as a symptom/manifestation unto itself.…

  • Returns to Nature

    Having Left the Shores

    Well, my escape to the beach with my family has ended, and my feelings are…mixed. Many things about their company proves inherently challenging for the rigid, neurotic tics of my OCD. But… Time, engagement, and meals with those you love carries value. While a part of me felt disconnected from the nostalgic, calling beauty of the shores I recall from prior years (resulting in me taking tragically few pictures) – there is a part of me that misses it, already. Partly? I just miss the company. Partly, though, I miss the sound of the waves crashing into the shore, heard from a porch in the dead hours of the night.

  • Depression,  OCD,  Suicidal Thoughts

    Musing on Impossible Choices & Isolation

    So… I’ve spent the last week on a vacation with some of my family. Now, under the best of circumstances? My OCD makes interacting with others, socializing, and just existing challenging. This has been doubly true in the midst of a pandemic. That said… I’m at a particularly low point that’s been lasting for months now. Granted, clinical depression is marked by such lows. But…this has felt different. Worse, even. So… I came on this trip hoping it would be something of a saving grace for me. That I’d reconnect with family, find inspiration in the scenic beauty of these captivating shores, and recommit myself to personal projects such as…

  • Depression,  Suicidal Thoughts

    When Hope Becomes Intangible

    There’s a platitude which asserts that depression is being unable to find joy in the things that normally engage, interest, and excite you. I disagree. Certainly disengagement from normal interests, increased negativity, and a generalized malaise are signs of depression – readily conceded. However, in my experience? I’d argue that depression is something more nuanced and all encompassing in the pain it presents with. Mild/moderate depression makes it difficult to enjoy many things, but actual depression tends to take on darker hues: making it impossible to enjoy almost anything as it takes hold. It’s the difference between a mildly overcast day obscuring your view of the horizon, and an immensely…