• Returns to Nature

    Having Left the Shores

    Well, my escape to the beach with my family has ended, and my feelings are…mixed. Many things about their company proves inherently challenging for the rigid, neurotic tics of my OCD. But… Time, engagement, and meals with those you love carries value. While a part of me felt disconnected from the nostalgic, calling beauty of the shores I recall from prior years (resulting in me taking tragically few pictures) – there is a part of me that misses it, already. Partly? I just miss the company. Partly, though, I miss the sound of the waves crashing into the shore, heard from a porch in the dead hours of the night.

  • Depression,  OCD,  Suicidal Thoughts

    Musing on Impossible Choices & Isolation

    So… I’ve spent the last week on a vacation with some of my family. Now, under the best of circumstances? My OCD makes interacting with others, socializing, and just existing challenging. This has been doubly true in the midst of a pandemic. That said… I’m at a particularly low point that’s been lasting for months now. Granted, clinical depression is marked by such lows. But…this has felt different. Worse, even. So… I came on this trip hoping it would be something of a saving grace for me. That I’d reconnect with family, find inspiration in the scenic beauty of these captivating shores, and recommit myself to personal projects such as…

  • Depression,  Suicidal Thoughts

    When Hope Becomes Intangible

    There’s a platitude which asserts that depression is being unable to find joy in the things that normally engage, interest, and excite you. I disagree. Certainly disengagement from normal interests, increased negativity, and a generalized malaise are signs of depression – readily conceded. However, in my experience? I’d argue that depression is something more nuanced and all encompassing in the pain it presents with. Mild/moderate depression makes it difficult to enjoy many things, but actual depression tends to take on darker hues: making it impossible to enjoy almost anything as it takes hold. It’s the difference between a mildly overcast day obscuring your view of the horizon, and an immensely…